anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
