I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
