You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
