Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
