the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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