U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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