so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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