I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
