I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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