I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
