Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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