She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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