im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
