a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
