New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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