Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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