No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
