dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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