Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
