yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
