so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
