Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I think I am morally bankrupt
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
