My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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