In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
