he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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