Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
