i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
