My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
