my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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