my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
