Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
