Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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