I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
