Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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