I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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