I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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