Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
