Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
