I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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