I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
