We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
