How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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