where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
