i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
