where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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