I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
