the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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