It's like God shit irony all over that family
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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