Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
