id be glad to
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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