Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
