I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
