I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
