I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend