At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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