Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
