erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
