jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
