So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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