He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
