Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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